•||• 

Where do you find the strength

To look your shadow in the face

To let it all go & make some space for your soul to escape?

When ego keeps getting in the way

There's no question why love is fading

Still I'm concentrating

On pouring into my heart every single day

So which part of me keeps choosing to stay?

The part of me that feels safe in the pain

So how can I feel this without running away

When denial is what stops me from changing

•||•

I’m worn down from this endless fight

tugging your heart through the dead of night

You pull me close just to let me go

and hide the parts I’ll never know

I see the fear you try to disguise

in the flicker of pain behind your eyes

I leave, you beg, I come back near

but the warmth turns cold when you disappear

Every time I trust, you fade away

and I’m left with nothing I can say

except the same old tired refrain

I love you, but this hurts the same

You don’t want me gone, you don’t want me free

yet you won’t stand still and choose me

My heart’s been breaking piece by piece

while waiting for a war to cease

I’d give my soul, my very last breath

to see this love survive its death

But love can’t grow in shifting ground

and my voice is lost in all this sound

One day you’ll reach, but I’ll be gone

and wonder how it went so wrong

I’ll always keep you deep inside

but I can’t keep drowning in this tide

 •||•

You say you love me

but your actions speak

in another language

one I can’t translate anymore

Seven years of building a home

and I still feel like

I’m standing outside the door

knocking

waiting for you to let me in

You’re afraid to lose me

but you won’t choose me

You hold me close enough

so I won’t walk away

but far enough

so you never have to be all in

I’m breaking

and you don’t see it

or maybe you do

and you’ve decided

it’s easier to watch me shatter

than to face yourself

One day

you’ll look for me

and I won’t be here

And maybe that will be the first time

you realize

I was the only one

who ever stayed

•||•

Embracing the stillness, I breathe in the air  

With every heartbeat, I shed my despair  

Not pulling away from the weight of my mind  

But gathering strength in the love that I find  

In the quiet moments, I listen and learn  

Finding the wisdom in each twist and turn  

With every tear that falls, I let go of the past  

Creating a future, a light that will last  

To the realm of acceptance, I journey within  

Where the shadows dissolve, and the light can begin  

Connected to the universe, I feel the embrace  

Of love that surrounds me, a warm, sacred space  

As I rise from the depths, my spirit takes flight  

In the plane of existence, I find my own light  •//•

Bones weak 

Skin tough

Little by little

My shell turns rough

//

Climbed my voice to the top of my lungs

But I’m standing on the top of my tongue

//

Are we gonna talk about it

Our shared trauma

Or rather, your trauma that overflowed

like blood I’m forced to handle

I never asked for this

so are we gonna discuss how fucked up it is

or are you gonna run away again

like a coward calling himself a man

like an avoidant apparition of unsaid things

I have been doing your emotional labor for five years

I have been giving you too much

I have been overlooking every red flag

out of a longing that it was easy to love you

But it’s come to my attention that in terms of

emotional stability

this is not a  viable situation

there’s clearly something a little twisted

with your perception of me

Or is it just a touch of misogyny

I have become more comfortable with confrontation

but you don’t give me the chance

And that’s why you and I will never last

that’s why I will have a perpetually breaking heart

if I keep it yours

I wish my heart was yours

it has your name written all over it

it wants to be yours but it’s not 

Is it 

It can’t be

Because I love myself too much to keep it

in these torturous cycles of

unbalanced one sided fantasy relationships

is this twin flame shit or delusion 

And

can two truths coexist

I wish you had a heart that was open not

hidden behind a hundred walls 

I wish it was mine

but you have never even loved yourself

So how could I expect you to be my lifeline

Maybe I love who you could be

And not who you are

And I wish the two things were a

little less far apart

I can’t keep trying to pull them closer together

Because whether or not I want to know it

it’s not my job to fix you

it’s not my job to undo

All of your childhood wounds

It’s only my job to love

so I will do so from far away where

it doesn’t cause me so much pain

And maybe you will watch

wondering

why my eyes are so soft

behind the unanticipated absence

of tears

The last

five years 

//

In the night 

When I lie down

A feeling I cannot shake

Morning shines for it to only 

Disturb me in my wake

Picking apart my brain

Until all I do is ache

//

you stumbled into my life and wanted to be seen

I saw you clearly but you didn't see me

invisible I remained as I wept your tears

the profound sadness you casted for years

when I tried to bloom your eyes screamed no

so I swallowed it all and heard the echo

voices that tell me not to bother

because you are big 

and I am smaller

//

must be a bath to wash away sin

to remove the remnants of all that i've been

I cry as the suds scour my skin

much cleaner than the muck I carry within

my husk now soft with silent regret

but my insides scream and cry with the scent

the day you took from me all that I meant

with more than words and less with consent

//

I cried for you not only on the surface

my insides died and I didn't even deserve it

wiled from me what you are not worthy of

took my kindness and used it the fuck up

reflections of you in the mirror I look

disturbing reminder of the woman I forsook

But I opened my cuts and dug so much deeper

and I learned that my chest didn't have a groundskeeper

the deaths of me haunting my heart

for anyone to see or loudly impart

you exploited my ghosts and all that I am

and now you walk with blood on your hands

my tears turn to anger turn to hate turns to guilt

I refuse to let you break the walls i've finally built

I won't cry for you now not even on the surface

my tears are much too precious

//

in the midst of summer i watch a flower wilt,

due to a coldness to which i feel deep guilt

pretty we call her as passerbys

when all she wants is for us to see her insides

//

rip off my skin like an orange peel

you'll gather around for the enticing reveal

it'll remind me of all of the sorrow I feel

under the depths of my highlights reel

you'll inhale it in like your favourite meal

but the lows of my tide seek to conceal

picture perfect, a mirage that can heal

in a mess of a world where I reside to shield

//

ribs of sugar, lines of ribs

pass it back because I called dibs

geometric, parallel,

the euphoria next door under its spell

pulsing veins

Cerebral bliss

Give me one last powdered kiss